if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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