Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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