Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
