This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
