Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
