That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We had to coat check the pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up under a house in Key West
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
