Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
