i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
