so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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