I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
