Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
