you didnt know i had herpes?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
