My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
