I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
