Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
