I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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