don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
