Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
