I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
