Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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