I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
