Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
