The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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