I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
