Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
