she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
