The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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