i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
we have pet lesbian snakes
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
it was like eating out sand paper
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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