Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
