i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
