I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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