I need to stop coming to work sober
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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