It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
