just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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