Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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