i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The best revenge is premature balding
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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