Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
