i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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