i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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