did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable