Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?