Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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