I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
