I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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