I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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