I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
