I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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