she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
