I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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