I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
