My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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