New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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