Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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