you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
