You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
