My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
