I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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