The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
