I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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