Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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