He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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