I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
