when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
